Written in 2021. Before the national housing stiuation got even worse....

I moved to London in search of new experiences. I have definitely found them...but perhaps I should have been more specific. Thanks to the pandemic, the interesting people, diverse cultures and creative opportunities I excitedly envisaged have all gone into hiding, and/or into administration. However, what I have found is the thrilling new experience of plummeting headfirst to the bottom of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs: life is now filled with the endless excitement of searching in vain for an affordable roof over my head.

In theory it should be easy - London is a huge place with an endless supply of everything. Surely it's possible to find somewhere decent without too much effort? Wrong. Hours, days, weeks, months I've spent buried in the bowels of Spare Room adjusting keywords, filters, setting up alerts, emerging red-eyed, dazed and despondent. If I devoted the same number of hours to a second job I may actually be able to afford somewhere inhabitable (although ironically I'd then only need a brief snooze in one of the ubiquitous beds-with-walls).

Spare Room is like a vast, unchartered parallel universe. A bottomless pit, a swirling vortex of strange people and even stranger properties. Tens of thousands of search results throw up endless options for everything except pleasant, safe, affordable places to live independently. If you're not actually looking for somewhere to live I imagine it could all be quite entertaining.

Although my hours of dedicated study have so far failed to find a decent place to call home, I have at least compiled this guide to the weird, wacky and woefully inadequate places in which Londoners are expected to 'live'.

1. Size Matters

Generally speaking, if you are claustrophobic, London may not be the ideal place for you, given its densely packed buildings and crowded streets. However, in searching for accommodation, claustrophobics are at a distinct disadvantage.

In normal life, the word 'cosy' may conjure up images of snug cottages and roaring fires. Forget that. In London it means you'll have to enter and exit your room by shuffling sideways. And sell all your belongings other than a toothbrush and an inhaler. However, if you're someone who fantasises about using a microwave without actually having to get out of bed, your dreams may be attainable.

Key words and phrases: compact; cosy; kitchenette; the space would ideally suit someone under 5ft; ideal for someone who doesn't have many belongings.

2. (Please) Let There Be Light

As a possible solution to the claustrophobia issue in one place I viewed, my mother suggested I could 'at least open the window now and then for a breath of air'. But even this is not an option in many places. The numerous adverts listing 'own window' as a unique selling point indicate that natural daylight is considered a luxury in London. One advert excitedly explained that 'although the room doesn't have any natural daylight, an overhead light is provided'. Unfortunately electricity was not included in the rent.

Key words and phrases: no natural daylight; ideal for someone who works nights; would suit someone who takes supplements; own light switch.

3. Innovative Solutions

Most of London's traditional Victorian properties have already been carved up into miniscule studios/cells. Therefore, property developers are having to get creative with what else they can semi-legally rent out. This has led to a wonderful selection of converted garages, garden sheds and outhouses flooding the market. Some of these buildings' original purposes are better disguised than others. However, describing a portacabin crammed into a weed-filled garden in Wembley as a 'totally self-contained, private detached house' is fooling no one.

Another favourite is the current trend for 'warehouse conversions'. You may be picturing Manhattan-style loft apartments with exposed bricks and stainless steel. Well these are not those. In London, warehouse conversions are often marketed to 'creatives', because Estate Agents think 'creative' is synonymous with 'squatter'. Luckily for landlords, 'creatives' are not like regular humans and apparently thrive without heating, furniture or privacy.

Key words and phrases: self-contained; detached; innovative use of space; space for your own furniture; ideal for creative types.

4. Welcome To The Family

If independent living options are proving elusive, an alternative is to become a lodger in someone else's home. London is full of wealthy homeowners whose children have flown the nest, creating a potentially ideal space for an impoverished, stray bird. These arrangements vary widely - if you're lucky, such a place can become a home-from-home with a surrogate family. However, many adverts communicate a less than welcoming tone. 'I'm looking for someone who works full time and who's away a lot', or 'ideal for someone who doesn't like to use the kitchen' are thinly veiled euphemisms for 'look - I'm only doing this for the extra cash ok?' 

Key words and phrases: limited access to cooking facilities; may use the kitchen at agreed times; ideal for someone who works long hours; short lets preferred.

5. The Awesome Young Professionals

After many weeks on Spare Room, you will probably conclude that it's not possible to live as an independent adult in London. After some harrowing mental gymnastics you will finally accept that you're going to have to share with strangers, much as you did 20+ years ago as a student.

This opens up a whole fresh can of juicy worms. How can you tell if you will get along with your potential flatmates? Luckily, Spare Room makes this easy by describing every potential flatmate in word-for-word blandly identical terms. Everyone on Spare Room is sociable, friendly, enjoys watching Netflix and drinking wine. Everyone is either a 'professional' or a yoga instructor. Happily, only 'awesome young professionals' ever advertise for a new flatmate - the hideously inconsiderate weirdos (that will eventually drive you to seek out a 'totally self-contained, private detached house' in a garden in Wembley) clearly all advertise on other sites.

Key words and phrases: share a bathroom with only 3 others; share a kitchen with only 5 others; we like to have our friends over. 

Once you've given in and finally secured a place to live, you can relax. You can sit back on your partially extended sofa bed and eat your microwave meal listening to the TV in the neighbouring room. Or, of course, you can connect to the 'free wifi' and spend your evenings searching Spare Room - surely there must be something better. Maybe if you just adjust the keywords one more time...